4000 BC: God creates the World. Adam and Eve, the first nudists, want to know the difference between good and evil, and eat a piece of fruit God hung within their reach but ordered them not to consume. God righteously curses them for their insolence (the desire for knowledge, not the nudity).
0 AD: God comes to fix Adam and Eve’s original error.
30 AD: God dies to save the World from his own damnation.
30 AD-500 AD: Persecution of Christians, lots of battles over territory. The Christians ultimately win/convert people, at least where it counts.
501-1491 AD: The mighty Church(es) of God righteously tolerate no heresy. Men are warriors, women are fair maidens. No child is ever born out of wedlock, and nobody buggers anyone, such is the over-arching influence of the mighty Church(es) of God.
1500s: Some of the previously-mentioned mighty Church(es) of God turn out to be heretical and that’s a real bummer when the heretics start killing people who don’t agree with them by pretending it’s the other people who are heretics. It would have been fine, of course, if they’d been theologically accurate: killing actual heretics is commanded in the Bible. Fortunately, Christopher Columbus and his ilk save the day by disposing of people in the New World, making room for those with lighter skin and a superior religion.
1600s-1700s: the righteous flee to the New World, aka America. An unprecedented peace and prosperity finds these men and women. No child is ever born out of wedlock, and nobody buggers anyone. Especially not livestock. Lots of natives and heretics (and some possible witches) die, but that’s Ok, because they deserve it.
1800s: America takes its glorious message of peace and prosperity to the West, using smallpox and bullets as rhetorical devices. Blacks who were rescued from heathen Africa and given a new chance to earn their keep under benevolent masters in the south, and learn about the true meaning of Christianity. Brave men opt out of tyranny of Washington, DC, only to be forced to re-join the depraved northern states and give up their rightful human property.
1900-1940s: Bad stuff starts to happen in Russia. The peasants revolt and want equality with their overlords. Little do they know it will be their downfall, and ultimately the downfall of the entire world. There are a couple of wars and a worldwide economic depression. Otherwise, everything is perfect, because the proper gender roles are in place in suburban America.
1950s-1960s: Marxism begins to take root and replace Christianity. Thinking quickly, the American people add “under God” to the pledge of allegiance. That shows the commies a thing or two. Women start getting all uppity and thinking they should join the workforce, just because they could do it during the wars when the men weren’t around to take care of them. Blacks think they should have equality with whites. But remember, that’s how communism started.
1970s: Further slide into depravity. Disco, sex, drugs, Richard Nixon.
1980s: The AIDs era. Or the good old days of Ronald Reagan, depending on how you look at it.
1990s: Bill Clinton messes around with an intern because he is a Democrat. Republicans never do that kind of thing, which is why you should always vote for them. Newt Gingrich admirably steps forward to politically chastise Clinton.
2000-2013: The worst thing in the history of the world happens: gay people start getting the legal right to marry each other. Civilization as we know it is over.
So you are in want of wife. You’ve read the Bible, and you know that you must not fornicate, but you’re a red-blooded male, and you’re getting more desperate by the minute. But perhaps women aren’t that into you. Or perhaps they’re all cloistered virgins, carefully protected by fathers and brothers who refuse your suit for some ridiculous motive or another. For obvious reasons, you must only marry a virgin, and these may be difficult to find in normal social settings where whores and feminists (this may seem redundant, but feminists have the additional quality of being uncommonly bad-tempered) rule the day. In any case, here you are, and you find yourself in need.
The Bible has the answer for you! What a blessing it is to have such a treasure-trove of wisdom at our fingertips. Judges 21 tells the uplifting tale of a whole tribe of men, the Benjamites, who were in need of wives. The other tribes had rashly sworn they wouldn’t let their daughters marry the Benjamites, just because a few Benjamites had raped the concubine of another man to death. But here the poor Benjamites were, on the verge of extinction. So the other tribes were sad about that, and they devised a cunning plan to help their brother-tribe. They were going to be the ultimate wingmen. They got some strong warriors together and they went out and slaughtered a neighboring people group, all but 400 virgins, which they took as wives for the Benjamites. Unfortunately, that wasn’t quite enough women for the whole tribe of Benjamites, so they had to come up with Cunning Plan Number 2, which was this: have the Benjamites steal the daughters of some of the brother tribes when these girls were dancing in a vineyard. The other tribes couldn’t really complain, then, because they hadn’t technically broken their vow. The girls had been kidnapped rather than given. Smart, right?
So how do we apply this to modern-day living, when killing a bunch of people and/or kidnapping women is technically illegal? We aren’t completely sure, but we are sure that this is a valid portrait of Biblical marriage. Because it’s describing marriage between God’s people in the interest of producing offspring, in the Bible, and the Bible is infallible.
Perhaps this means that you should not take a father’s objections to you too seriously, even if you’ve been known to rape a woman to death occasionally. Christianity is all about forgiveness, and it’s easier to ask for forgiveness than permission. You might as well stage a kidnapping or two and then give the father a wink and a nudge. If you’ve “married” her after the kidnapping, his daughter will no longer be a virgin, and only virgins are valuable for wife material. The best she can hope for is to marry her rapist: you (Deuteronomy 22:28-29)!
Those pesky modern laws may get in the way of this scheme, as previously mentioned, so it is best to do this only when you’re reasonably sure that the family isn’t going to get litigious. Perhaps you can do it in a country where the law is still on the side of Bible-believers. Many Muslim countries have a legal system favorable to Old Testament law-abiders. Or perhaps you can make sure you only kidnap the daughters of illegal immigrants, and/or take your new wife to some new place where she doesn’t know the language. After all, that’s less emotionally disturbing for her (and probably easier) than killing her entire family or people group! As a rule of thumb, kidnapping escapes notice better than genocide.
These are just some simple ideas if you’re feeling convicted to follow the Bible’s example on marriage but are worried about the details. The bottom line is, always, always read the Bible and do what it says, even if it doesn’t always jive with modern sensibilities!
Are we to follow the Word of God or the Word of Man when it comes to difficult decisions such as how to act when something sinful like adultery crops up in our community? If we are Bible-believing Christians, we are to follow the Word of God.
Adultery is wrong for many reasons, not least because it denies a husband the assurance that the children his wife bears are his. The Bible, however, has a solution for this. If a woman is suspected of adultery, her husband may cause her to go before the priest and drink bitter water that will cause her to miscarry her ill-gotten child. Numbers 5 says: “And when he hath made her to drink the water, then it shall come to pass, that, if she be defiled, and have done trespass against her husband, that the water that causeth the curse shall enter into her, and become bitter, and her belly shall swell, and her thigh shall rot: and the woman shall be a curse among her people. And if the woman be not defiled, but be clean; then she shall be free, and shall conceive seed. This is the law of jealousies, when a wife goeth aside to another instead of her husband, and is defiled.”
God himself enacted the law of jealousies when he caused King David’s newborn son, conceived in adultery with Bathsheba, to die. 2 Samuel 12 describes the whole ordeal, and states in verse 15 that “the Lord struck the child that Uriah’s wife bare unto David.” The Lord himself caused the child to die because King David had committed adultery.
The Bible’s message here is clear: children conceived in adultery are an affront to Biblical marriage, and they should be terminated, preferably before birth, when a draught of “bitter water” will do the trick. If not, God may see fit to erase newborns from existence as well.
The pro-life ethos is a direct affront to God’s plan in this regard, unless, of course, the woman in question is a Bible-believing Christian who has conceived the child with her husband. Then she should have as many children as possible (Psalm 127:5). In all other cases, the Bible is consistently pro-death for these miniature sinners. Those who believe all fetuses are innocent are willfully ignorant of the Bible’s teaching. God repeatedly commanded the Israelites to bash out the brains of heathen babies and rip them from their mother’s womb (1 Samuel 15:3, Hosea 13:16). King David himself even mentions this in the Psalms! Psalm 137 describes a fornicating or adulterous woman: “O daughter of Babylon, who art to be destroyed; happy shall he be, that rewardeth thee as thou hast served us. Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.”
God is just: he would never command the death of an innocent human being, unless it was his own son. Therefore, we can conclude that fetuses and babies are sinful, which is backed up by Deuteronomy 5:9: “I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me,” by Psalm 51:5: “Behold, I was shapen in iniquity; and in sin did my mother conceive me,” and by the expansive Exodus account of God killing every firstborn of Egypt.
Looking at these verses, it becomes evident that in our modern era, we should actively encourage God-haters, fornicators and adulterers to abort their offspring. Possibly, we should even go so far as to pay for their abortions. There is absolutely nothing in the Bible that would indicate otherwise, and there is a good deal to indicate that this should be the standard.
Thus, Christians need to re-evaluate pro-life slogans in light of Biblical mandate. We should edit pro-life bumper stickers and picket signs like this:
Instead of Abortion stops a beating heart: Abortion stops a beating heart, just as all-powerful God intended.
Instead of Stop Abortion Now: Have an Abortion Now, O Heathen.
Instead of Equal rights for unborn women: Unborn women have no more rights than born women, and their fate should be determined by those in authority over them.
Instead of Before I knit you in the womb, I knew you – God: Before I created King David to be a righteous fetus, I knew the plans I had for him – God.
Instead of Choose life, your mother did: Choose physical death if you’re going to give your child spiritual death.
Instead of Every child deserves life: Every child deserves hell.
At this point, some of you may be wondering why your pastors and favorite charities have got it so obviously wrong. Simple: they aren’t reading their Bibles enough, and they are putting their own preferences above the commands of Scripture. In an era where feelings are worshiped above the Creator, this is not uncommon. But we must be vigilant, casting every shred of heresy from among us, even if this heresy has taken the form of a tiny child!
If you are having a problem with petty arguments in the marriage, then you probably aren’t dwelling together as God intended. Remember, men are told to honor their wives as the “weaker vessels.” 1 Peter 3:7 says, “Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel.” Yet wives are supposed to be useful as well, according to Proverbs 31. They are not to sit around collecting dust like decorative vases. What is the defining characteristic of a useful fragile vessel? Being gently filled with something. 1 Peter 3:7 makes it very clear that husbands are to dwell with their wives according to knowledge, the same word that is used for sex in the Bible. But this is no call to roughly bed your wife. Remember, “gently” is key. Use your most gentle tool, your tongue, to minister to the weaker vessel. Fill her as full of this gentle tool as she desires. She can become most useful only when she is thus filled and ministered to, because The Lord designed her that way! You will need to wash her daily if she is to be used daily as a weaker vessel.
You will soon discover that if you fill and wash her properly, truly honoring her body as the vase-shaped vessel it is, she will respond positively and begin to respect your male prowess — assuming you have it, of course. If you are an inadequate lover, we suggest you remedy this immediately. To put it quite bluntly, you are sinning if you are not giving your wife regular orgasms by your washings with the word.
Over time, your wife may become so exhausted and thankful from these orgasmic experiences that she will have no need to take up petty quarrels with you. In our experience, women spend time nit-picking when they are feeling ignored and unloved. A happy woman never nit-picks, and women who are properly cared for by their husbands are happy.
If you want Christ’s teaching to transform your marriage, here is something for you to consider: you may be interpreting Christ’s teachings on marriage all wrong. Especially if you’re looking towards something that establishes proper gender roles, but in a way that can bruise a wife’s body and heart rather than presenting her “unblemished.”
Fortunately, we are here to walk you through the Christian teachings that transformed our marriage from the bottom up. Literally.
You see, prior to following these teachings, our marriage was in disarray. I felt neglected by my husband, and he was frustrated because his masculine nature was not being satisfied. My husband is not just a man, he is a commander of men. He is a muscular, bronzed, calloused, high-energy male who runs his own business and simultaneously works with his hands. And yet at home, he felt that something was missing, as did I. Where we should have been hot and fiery, we were lukewarm. Where we should have been harmonious, we were contentious.
One day, my husband approached me and said “honey, there’s something I’d like to try to improve how things have been going. I have been reading in Ephesians, and I’ve got an idea.”
My husband read me several verses I knew very well from Ephesians 5: “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.”
My husband explained to me that he had had what he suspected might be a divine revelation about this passage. He focused in on details that I had previously ignored. “I’ve always wondered what head meant in this context, but I think it might have something to do with the slang ‘giving head,’” he said. “At first I thought, well, maybe that means she’s supposed to be giving me blow jobs. But if you read a little further, it’s obviously not talking about blow jobs. The husband is the one loving the wife in this context, and she is to submit to him as the savior of her body. He is to sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word. What does that mean? I used to think it meant husbands were supposed to read their wives words from the Bible, but that’s not very literal, is it? I think God intended for the Bible to be taken literally, especially in the King James version, and the most literal meaning of ‘washing of water by the word’ that I can think of is a good tongue-bath. The Bible is not very watery, is it? But a man’s tongue is for sure.”
My husband went on to explain that for a man to love his wife as his own body would mean he would give her everything he desired from her, and a big part of that would be oral sex.
“I think the Lord is telling me to improve our marriage by giving your lady parts a spiritual experience,” my husband concluded.
I was skeptical and a bit nervous of this. “Wouldn’t it just be easier if I baked you a pie or something?” I asked.
“Are you trying to emasculate me?” my husband asked. “Desert makes men fat, and fat produces estrogen.” He was so insistent that I soon found myself lying face-up on our bed. My husband got into position, and he told me that I should relax and focus on being healed, cleansed and sanctified by his washings of water by the word. “You have no spot or wrinkle or blemish in my sight,” he said. “I present you to myself as my glorious bride.”
I was irritated at first by his rough whiskers and the oddness of the arrangement, but then I began gradually to submit to his headship. I decided to meditate on his words and on his sanctifying love for a good half an hour, until I had the most blissful experience of my life.
This became a daily ritual, and eventually the release and the wonder I felt wrung tears from me. As a woman who had internalized various rants on modesty and purity over the years, I realized all the shame I had been carrying about my body. Truly, my husband was loving my body as he loved his own, and truly, he found me beautiful. Once I experienced this deep thing with him, our marriage began to improve almost instantly. I no longer felt neglected, and his raw masculine power had found an appropriate, Biblical outlet. He led me to heights I never knew existed.
Looking to the Bible
With the new view I had on Ephesians 5, I began to look at other verses differently as well. There was just so much in the Bible about this act!
1 Corinthians 7:3 talks about sex acts and says “Let the husband render to the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife to the husband.” What is more benevolent than oral sex in the marriage relationship? Pretty much nothing! After my husband showed me the glories of oral, I began to return the favor.
I particularly love Song of Solomon 4:16: “Awake, O north wind; and come, thou south; blow upon my garden, that the spices thereof may flow out. Let my beloved come into his garden, and eat his pleasant fruits.” I’m not sure how much more explicit you can get than going south to blow on someone’s garden and eat its pleasant fruits.
The question of technique may come up, and the Bible has an answer for that as well, from 1 Corinthians 13: “love is patient, love is kind.” A husband must be patient when he is washing his wife with water by the word. And he must be kind. Love, according to this passage, is not boastful, rude, selfish or jealous. In other words, a man must enact his love to his wife in a way that is not boastful, rude, selfish or jealous. He should not focus on any past thing that would make him jealous, and he should conduct himself in all humility and sweetness.
This is not to say that he may not be passionate. I have never seen anything more passionate than my husband in the depths of one of his washings. He is ecstatic to be doing it. He adores the fact that I am a woman and he adores making me feel awakened in that way. As Proverbs 5 says, “Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love.” I never knew what that verse really meant, or what a man in the depths of love intoxication looked like, until I saw my husband drown himself in my secret parts.
Oral sex has a strong stigma in some women’s minds because it is so severely intimate. But remember the natural order of things in the Garden of Eden, from Genesis 2:25: “And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.” There is nothing to be ashamed of when you are man and wife.
You should meditate on these precious verses and see what a difference they can make in your marriage!