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Clarification from Josh Duggar about his real, true, Biblical family values

We at Biblical Manhood, Womanhood and Marriage regularly receive exclusive letters from prominent members of the Christian Patriarchy, and today was no exception. Josh Duggar sent us this letter to share with you, our readers, some of his staunchest fans. We hope it encourages you in the gospel as it did us:

Dear Fans,

I know I admitted I was a big hypocrite and that it was silly of me to promote family values while simultaneously hiding the fact that I was into incest, child molestation and trolling the internet for affair partners. My actual public statement was: “While espousing faith and family values, I have secretly over the last several years been viewing pornography on the internet and this became a secret addiction and I became unfaithful to my wife.”

I would just like to clarify this statement: it was the porn that made me unfaithful to my wife. Those dirty porn stars corrupted me, and it’s their fault I signed up at Ashley Madison and subsequently got caught by hackers.

So I’m asking America to take a stance and outlaw porn work, here and now. It’s just a tiny, slippery step from seeing a video of someone’s breasts to shelling out hundreds and hundreds of dollars to try to actually, physically cheat on your wife. Because if you accidentally masturbate to porn, and you realize you don’t actually go blind from it, you start questioning all kinds of things. Like: would a girl who hasn’t been homeschooled be better at sex than my wife? Or, would chicks blow me if they knew I was a celebrity?

You may notice from my public statement that I believe viewing porn is the most serious of my sins. Here’s why: incest (Genesis 20:10) and rape (Judges 21, Deut. 22) are part of Biblical marriage, and, really, in going on Ashley Madison, I was just trying to find a concubine to help my wife have lots of kids for me, just like Zilpah helped Leah (Genesis 30:9). However, porn is wrong because masturbation wastes sperm, which is obviously a grave sin in a Biblical marriage (Genesis 38:9). I see myself as a powerful son in the line of our family’s patriarchs, and I in turn must produce as many sons as possible so that we may take over the earth with our deeply-enshrined family values. So far my wife hasn’t been as fertile as my mom, and that’s a real bummer, because my Dad’s smug look when he counts my kids is starting to get on my nerves.

So, in summary, dear fans: I still believe in Biblical marriage and family values. I also believe that the easiest way to get you to keep being my fans is to make a big show of repenting every time I’m caught doing something that makes you feel icky. But, really, I’m going to keep doing them. Because the Bible tells me I can.

Yours in Christ,

Josh Duggar

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Guest Post by the Ex-Wife of the Guy who Didn’t Want to Work for His Milk

We here at Biblical Marriage believe in only using the Bible to justify sexual ideas. So we were distressed when we discovered an extrabiblical interpretation of divorce gaining momentum online, using a website called Biblical Gender Roles that is clearly a spinoff of ours. Fortunately, we tracked down the ex-wife of the Fool who authors this site, and asked her to comment on the situation. While we cannot condone all of her words, we do see her point:

Honey, honey, honey. I see you’re at it again with the lazy logic and bad punctuation.

So you divorced me because I wouldn’t have sex with you, not even after you cut up my credit card right in front of me, not even after you tried convincing me that unless I blew you every night, it was a sin against God. The Book of Azhols, Chapter 1, Verse 7: “Wives, give unto thy husbands whatsoever they shalt demand, or The Lord Jehovah shalt smite thee with divorce. Because it is a grave sin not to act with thy husband like he wants the prostitutes to act, only for free, because he has already paid for the diapers thou puttest upon his children.”

I remember the conversation clearly. You said: “God wants you to have sex with me more.” I said: “Really? Is that what you’re calling your penis now?” And you got angry. You started huffing and puffing, and when I objected, you insisted you were “rebuking” me as a good husband was supposed to. I said, “if you want more sex, try pitching in on the chores. I’m too exhausted at night to do anything but sleep. Or, better yet, lose the man boobs. They sort of kill the mood for me. I’m not a lesbian.”

Your response, all fever-pitched: “I’m going to tell on you! I’m going to tell our pastor on you! It doesn’t matter how little I take care of myself or the kids. If you don’t do what I want, it means you’re the bad one!”

What happened next? You drug me to the front of the church and told everyone that I wasn’t fulfilling my wifely duties to pleasure your manhood. I turned the tables: I stood up in front of everyone and said, fine, I’ll have sex with you right now if you want. In fact, I insist. Right this second. Right now! I want you now! What’s wrong with you? Why aren’t you getting hard? And then I pointed to the baggy expanse of your pleated khakis, and I chanted, sinner! Sinner! Sinner! Sinner!

There was no going back after that. You were so outraged you had to file for divorce or you would have looked like a wimp.

At first the divorce was distressing. After all, you’d told me I shouldn’t work because I was raising your kids, so I had nothing to fall back on. But then I realized that I could get a job and pay for things myself, and since there was nobody to stay up late for, no perfectionistic micromanager breathing down my neck 24/7, no bone prodding me constantly while I tried to do the dishes and the laundry and the potty-training, I still slept more than I used to.

I also remarried and discovered what good sex is like. And let me tell you, baby, good sex is the pinnacle of existence. Do you know what it’s like to be seduced by a man who knows where a clitoris is? Who loves the taste of it in his mouth? Who is skilled with his hands and his tongue, who has the hard body and hard kiss of the laborer, the wry mind of the comedian, the ardor of the poet, the fluidity of the dancer? No. You do not know. You would never push yourself to be anything like that man, because you’re lazy. You’d rather accuse your wife of sinning because she’s not attracted to your whiny, cheeto-smelling missionary thrusting. Your hairy, sweaty grunting, the wobble of your teats above my face, oh God! The thought of it still makes my skin crawl. So let me spell it out for you: I don’t refuse sex. I refuse bad sex. I refuse anything that makes me feel like a prostitute paying her dues. But good sex? I say yes to good sex every time, no matter how tired I am. And let me enlighten you further: all women are the same way, unless they are damaged by men like you.

Doug Phillips plugs the ModestyRobot

We here at Biblical Manhood, Womanhood and Marriage have long admired Doug Phillips, former president and lavish, oft-costumed leader of Vision Forum Ministries, which, like us, promotes a biblical take on gender roles. So we were thrilled when Doug Phillips sent us a personal letter thanking us for our insightful post on why it’s not his fault that he is now an adulterer. Here is the letter:

Dear Friends,

Your adoration and support have not gone unnoticed. As a reward, I would like to extend this one-time business opportunity to you. I am planning my future comeback, and need a new platform from which to make money and gain followers. Will you use your website to promote my new product? It is called the ModestyRobot, and I have invented it for patriarchs to purchase for a variety of purposes.

The ModestyRobot has a unique profile and has been quality-tested for excellence

The ModestyRobot has a unique profile and has been quality-tested for excellence

The ModestyRobot comes in dark skin tones only, but is nonetheless pleasing to the eye. This is both a nod to our glorious antebellum Christian past and an educational tool. My hero, the prophet Robert Lewis Dabney, correctly identified the darker, more inferior races as being fit for servitude, as indeed this is “the righteous, the best, yea, the only tolerable relation” between blacks and whites. Since human slavery — a Biblical institution if ever there was one (Leviticus 25:44-46, Exodus 21:20-21) — is illegal in the current United States, we must now turn to non-human indentured servants. Let us do so in the spirit of tradition and our nation’s longstanding family values.

The ModestyRobot can be used in these ways to promote and foster a Biblical household:

1. Send the ModestyRobot for groceries, so your wife and/or daughter does not have to appear in public. Let them be chase, quiet keepers at home, not the prostitutes whose wayward feet lead them to the candy aisle so they can commit oral fornication with a forbidden calorie-dense Snickers. It is your duty, as a father and husband, to protect the women under your care from their own desires. The ModestyRobot will do your bidding exactly and, relying solely on high-watt electric batteries, will never gain an ounce.

2. Keep the ModestyRobot at home as an au pair, only one that will never tempt you to an over-abundance of inappropriate romance and affection.

3. It’s not really adultery if it’s with a machine, especially with a machine that is as legitimately yours as the concubines were to the patriarchs of old (Genesis 16, Genesis 30). If, however, your modern upbringing has made you squeamish, we have implemented a helpful Bible verse function, in which verses stream across the outer layer of the ModestyRobot. At the very worst, you can say you were taken with a strong carnal desire for the word of God, incarnate in the body of a ModestyRobot.

Please direct any and all interested parties in my direction.

Persevero,

Douglas Phillips, Esq.

How to be a godly skank (for your husband) and totally modest (for everyone else)

Today, my husband came home from his manly outdoor pursuits, smelling of sweat and damp spandex. He found me where I belong, in the kitchen making him a nutritious, low-budget, and tasty dinner: split pea soup flavored with meat carved from the hindquarters of the deer he shot for us. He grunted his approval at my outfit, a curve-hugging sleeveless dress with violently red details. “Hey, you stud,” I said, hopping up on the counter and striking a pose. “What would you like for me to serve you right now? Are you hungry?”

Now, I only relate this scene in the spirit of Titus 2, whereby older women are instructed to tell younger women how to be good housewives. I am 45 years old, and have had seven children, and yet I keep myself fit by working with a jade egg while I do housework all day. Due to my fitness routine, I am hotter than most movie stars and probably better at being seductive than your average prostitute.

I goes without saying that this scene, and similar, more steamy ones, should NOT take place anywhere but safe in the confines of your own home. Elsewhere, you should conduct yourself with a meek and quiet spirit, adorning yourself in the knowledge that it is your fault if any man lusts after you due to your appearance.

The trick of it is, this documentary proves that men lust after most female things, even if they are dressed in tents. I like to err on the side of caution, though, so I wear a paper bag over my head in public if I absolutely must go out. Most men do not lust after paper bags. In fact, they are repulsed by the sight of one walking through the grocery store, if their expressions are any proof.

A modest skank in the kitchen

A modest skank in the kitchen

I show you this photo here because I think it will help illustrate something that has gone unchecked for far too long. This is an area where many women have strayed, thinking incorrectly that they were being keepers at home all the while: they post photos of themselves on their blogs, even creating long photo essays devoted to showing themselves dressed in “modest” attire. Do you not know that such activities are vain, tending to vaunt up the spirit of a woman and putting temptation in the paths of men worldwide? You do not know what will cause different men to stumble. The female face is a great tempter, and it must be cloaked, hidden from the prying eyes of the internet millions.

More, women must avoid the temptation to seek fame through blogging, even blogging about godly pursuits. The moment you put your name and your face onto a website, you are asking to be recognized. Women are NOT to seek such things if they are truly being meek, quiet keepers at home. This is why you will never see my name here. I have been convicted by the Holy Spirit that putting forth my name for recognition would be a grave sin against my husband and my God. Of course, once again, I must exhort younger women in the spirit of Titus 2, so I can blog — that is fine — so long as I do it without being a fame-whore, and all under the direction of my wonderful and bliss-making husband.

Doug Phillips resigns, but it’s probably not his fault

Friends, a mighty leader in the fight against immoral behavior has himself been taken in immoral behavior. His face, ever present before our eyes on the covers of the videos and books he sold, aglow with the glory of the gospel, is now fallen into the depths of sorrow and repentance. I am speaking, of course, of the noble Doug Phillips, former head of Vision Forum Ministries, from whom, I must admit, this website has drawn much inspiration.

Doug Phillips has done something with “a woman” whose name we do not know. It might be a lady of the night, or it might be the lady of a Knight, the adulterous Guinevere to some King Arthur of the Faith. However, we must not blame this lady yet because we do not know any of the facts. We only know the words of Doug Phillips, words that have so often spoken of the need to protect women from philandering men such as himself. Doug Phillips has correctly identified that women will do bad things with men unless other men make it impossible for that to happen. Therefore, this is not the fault of the woman, and it is not the fault of Doug Phillips. Clearly, it is the fault of whomever was supposed to have this woman under the umbrella of his protection. Some father or husband somewhere wasn’t being strict enough. Some father or husband didn’t force Doug Phillips to pass muster with cross-examinations and essays before verbally engaging with his wife or daughter. We know (because Vision Forum tells us) that if a man’s professed theology is in line, everything else will follow with good results. Thus, Doug Phillip’s theology couldn’t have been good enough or strong enough or correct enough. Again, this is not his fault. He is merely a side player in this game, as all men are when it comes to women that belong to other men.

Doug Phillips, in his humble and private repentance before the Lord, has assured us that he has taken up the mantle of fatherhood to his children. He will teach them by his excellent example what it means to be a great man of the faith. He will lead them and his wife, by word and deed, because it is his duty and his sacred calling. No one else is qualified to try to make decisions for his household, not even after he has proven himself to be sinful. All men are sinful! That is not the point. Women and children should obey them anyway. Otherwise, women and children might make bad decisions, like to have inappropriate romantic relationships.

What God hath joined together, let no man pull asunder, except for His name’s sake

Are we to follow the Word of God or the Word of Man when it comes to difficult decisions such as how to act when something sinful like adultery crops up in our community? If we are Bible-believing Christians, we are to follow the Word of God.

Adultery is wrong for many reasons, not least because it denies a husband the assurance that the children his wife bears are his. The Bible, however, has a solution for this. If a woman is suspected of adultery, her husband may cause her to go before the priest and drink bitter water that will cause her to miscarry her ill-gotten child. Numbers 5 says: “And when he hath made her to drink the water, then it shall come to pass, that, if she be defiled, and have done trespass against her husband, that the water that causeth the curse shall enter into her, and become bitter, and her belly shall swell, and her thigh shall rot: and the woman shall be a curse among her people. And if the woman be not defiled, but be clean; then she shall be free, and shall conceive seed. This is the law of jealousies, when a wife goeth aside to another instead of her husband, and is defiled.”

God himself enacted the law of jealousies when he caused King David’s newborn son, conceived in adultery with Bathsheba, to die. 2 Samuel 12 describes the whole ordeal, and states in verse 15 that “the Lord struck the child that Uriah’s wife bare unto David.” The Lord himself caused the child to die because King David had committed adultery.

The Bible’s message here is clear: children conceived in adultery are an affront to Biblical marriage, and they should be terminated, preferably before birth, when a draught of “bitter water” will do the trick. If not, God may see fit to erase newborns from existence as well.

The pro-life ethos is a direct affront to God’s plan in this regard, unless, of course, the woman in question is a Bible-believing Christian who has conceived the child with her husband. Then she should have as many children as possible (Psalm 127:5). In all other cases, the Bible is consistently pro-death for these miniature sinners. Those who believe all fetuses are innocent are willfully ignorant of the Bible’s teaching. God repeatedly commanded the Israelites to bash out the brains of heathen babies and rip them from their mother’s womb (1 Samuel 15:3, Hosea 13:16). King David himself even mentions this in the Psalms! Psalm 137 describes a fornicating or adulterous woman: “O daughter of Babylon, who art to be destroyed; happy shall he be, that rewardeth thee as thou hast served us. Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.”

God is just: he would never command the death of an innocent human being, unless it was his own son. Therefore, we can conclude that fetuses and babies are sinful, which is backed up by Deuteronomy 5:9: “I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me,” by Psalm 51:5: “Behold, I was shapen in iniquity; and in sin did my mother conceive me,” and by the expansive Exodus account of God killing every firstborn of Egypt.

Looking at these verses, it becomes evident that in our modern era, we should actively encourage God-haters, fornicators and adulterers to abort their offspring. Possibly, we should even go so far as to pay for their abortions. There is absolutely nothing in the Bible that would indicate otherwise, and there is a good deal to indicate that this should be the standard.

Thus, Christians need to re-evaluate pro-life slogans in light of Biblical mandate. We should edit pro-life bumper stickers and picket signs like this:

Instead of Abortion stops a beating heart: Abortion stops a beating heart, just as all-powerful God intended.

Instead of Stop Abortion Now: Have an Abortion Now, O Heathen.

Instead of Equal rights for unborn women: Unborn women have no more rights than born women, and their fate should be determined by those in authority over them.

Instead of Before I knit you in the womb, I knew you – God: Before I created King David to be a righteous fetus, I knew the plans I had for him – God.

Instead of Choose life, your mother did: Choose physical death if you’re going to give your child spiritual death.

Instead of Every child deserves life: Every child deserves hell.

At this point, some of you may be wondering why your pastors and favorite charities have got it so obviously wrong. Simple: they aren’t reading their Bibles enough, and they are putting their own preferences above the commands of Scripture. In an era where feelings are worshiped above the Creator, this is not uncommon. But we must be vigilant, casting every shred of heresy from among us, even if this heresy has taken the form of a tiny child!