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Clarification from Josh Duggar about his real, true, Biblical family values

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We at Biblical Manhood, Womanhood and Marriage regularly receive exclusive letters from prominent members of the Christian Patriarchy, and today was no exception. Josh Duggar sent us this letter to share with you, our readers, some of his staunchest fans. We hope it encourages you in the gospel as it did us:

Dear Fans,

I know I admitted I was a big hypocrite and that it was silly of me to promote family values while simultaneously hiding the fact that I was into incest, child molestation and trolling the internet for affair partners. My actual public statement was: “While espousing faith and family values, I have secretly over the last several years been viewing pornography on the internet and this became a secret addiction and I became unfaithful to my wife.”

I would just like to clarify this statement: it was the porn that made me unfaithful to my wife. Those dirty porn stars corrupted me, and it’s their fault I signed up at Ashley Madison and subsequently got caught by hackers.

So I’m asking America to take a stance and outlaw porn work, here and now. It’s just a tiny, slippery step from seeing a video of someone’s breasts to shelling out hundreds and hundreds of dollars to try to actually, physically cheat on your wife. Because if you accidentally masturbate to porn, and you realize you don’t actually go blind from it, you start questioning all kinds of things. Like: would a girl who hasn’t been homeschooled be better at sex than my wife? Or, would chicks blow me if they knew I was a celebrity?

You may notice from my public statement that I believe viewing porn is the most serious of my sins. Here’s why: incest (Genesis 20:10) and rape (Judges 21, Deut. 22) are part of Biblical marriage, and, really, in going on Ashley Madison, I was just trying to find a concubine to help my wife have lots of kids for me, just like Zilpah helped Leah (Genesis 30:9). However, porn is wrong because masturbation wastes sperm, which is obviously a grave sin in a Biblical marriage (Genesis 38:9). I see myself as a powerful son in the line of our family’s patriarchs, and I in turn must produce as many sons as possible so that we may take over the earth with our deeply-enshrined family values. So far my wife hasn’t been as fertile as my mom, and that’s a real bummer, because my Dad’s smug look when he counts my kids is starting to get on my nerves.

So, in summary, dear fans: I still believe in Biblical marriage and family values. I also believe that the easiest way to get you to keep being my fans is to make a big show of repenting every time I’m caught doing something that makes you feel icky. But, really, I’m going to keep doing them. Because the Bible tells me I can.

Yours in Christ,

Josh Duggar

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