We here at Biblical Manhood, Womanhood and Marriage have long admired Doug Phillips, former president and lavish, oft-costumed leader of Vision Forum Ministries, which, like us, promotes a biblical take on gender roles. So we were thrilled when Doug Phillips sent us a personal letter thanking us for our insightful post on why it’s not his fault that he is now an adulterer. Here is the letter:
Your adoration and support have not gone unnoticed. As a reward, I would like to extend this one-time business opportunity to you. I am planning my future comeback, and need a new platform from which to make money and gain followers. Will you use your website to promote my new product? It is called the ModestyRobot, and I have invented it for patriarchs to purchase for a variety of purposes.
The ModestyRobot comes in dark skin tones only, but is nonetheless pleasing to the eye. This is both a nod to our glorious antebellum Christian past and an educational tool. My hero, the prophet Robert Lewis Dabney, correctly identified the darker, more inferior races as being fit for servitude, as indeed this is “the righteous, the best, yea, the only tolerable relation” between blacks and whites. Since human slavery — a Biblical institution if ever there was one (Leviticus 25:44-46, Exodus 21:20-21) — is illegal in the current United States, we must now turn to non-human indentured servants. Let us do so in the spirit of tradition and our nation’s longstanding family values.
The ModestyRobot can be used in these ways to promote and foster a Biblical household:
1. Send the ModestyRobot for groceries, so your wife and/or daughter does not have to appear in public. Let them be chase, quiet keepers at home, not the prostitutes whose wayward feet lead them to the candy aisle so they can commit oral fornication with a forbidden calorie-dense Snickers. It is your duty, as a father and husband, to protect the women under your care from their own desires. The ModestyRobot will do your bidding exactly and, relying solely on high-watt electric batteries, will never gain an ounce.
2. Keep the ModestyRobot at home as an au pair, only one that will never tempt you to an over-abundance of inappropriate romance and affection.
3. It’s not really adultery if it’s with a machine, especially with a machine that is as legitimately yours as the concubines were to the patriarchs of old (Genesis 16, Genesis 30). If, however, your modern upbringing has made you squeamish, we have implemented a helpful Bible verse function, in which verses stream across the outer layer of the ModestyRobot. At the very worst, you can say you were taken with a strong carnal desire for the word of God, incarnate in the body of a ModestyRobot.
Please direct any and all interested parties in my direction.
Douglas Phillips, Esq.