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The True Christian History of the World

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4000 BC: God creates the World. Adam and Eve, the first nudists, want to know the difference between good and evil, and eat a piece of fruit God hung within their reach but ordered them not to consume. God righteously curses them for their insolence (the desire for knowledge, not the nudity).

0 AD: God comes to fix Adam and Eve’s original error.

30 AD: God dies to save the World from his own damnation.

30 AD-500 AD: Persecution of Christians, lots of battles over territory. The Christians ultimately win/convert people, at least where it counts.

501-1491 AD: The mighty Church(es) of God righteously tolerate no heresy. Men are warriors, women are fair maidens. No child is ever born out of wedlock, and nobody buggers anyone, such is the over-arching influence of the mighty Church(es) of God.

1500s: Some of the previously-mentioned mighty Church(es) of God turn out to be heretical and that’s a real bummer when the heretics start killing people who don’t agree with them by pretending it’s the other people who are heretics. It would have been fine, of course, if they’d been theologically accurate: killing actual heretics is commanded in the Bible. Fortunately, Christopher Columbus and his ilk save the day by disposing of people in the New World, making room for those with lighter skin and a superior religion.

1600s-1700s: the righteous flee to the New World, aka America. An unprecedented peace and prosperity finds these men and women. No child is ever born out of wedlock, and nobody buggers anyone. Especially not livestock. Lots of natives and heretics (and some possible witches) die, but that’s Ok, because they deserve it.

1800s: America takes its glorious message of peace and prosperity to the West, using smallpox and bullets as rhetorical devices. Blacks who were rescued from heathen Africa and given a new chance to earn their keep under benevolent masters in the south, and learn about the true meaning of Christianity. Brave men opt out of tyranny of Washington, DC, only to be forced to re-join the depraved northern states and give up their rightful human property.

1900-1940s: Bad stuff starts to happen in Russia. The peasants revolt and want equality with their overlords. Little do they know it will be their downfall, and ultimately the downfall of the entire world. There are a couple of wars and a worldwide economic depression. Otherwise, everything is perfect, because the proper gender roles are in place in suburban America.

1950s-1960s: Marxism begins to take root and replace Christianity. Thinking quickly, the American people add “under God” to the pledge of allegiance. That shows the commies a thing or two. Women start getting all uppity and thinking they should join the workforce, just because they could do it during the wars when the men weren’t around to take care of them. Blacks think they should have equality with whites. But remember, that’s how communism started.

1970s: Further slide into depravity. Disco, sex, drugs, Richard Nixon.

1980s: The AIDs era. Or the good old days of Ronald Reagan, depending on how you look at it.

1990s: Bill Clinton messes around with an intern because he is a Democrat. Republicans never do that kind of thing, which is why you should always vote for them. Newt Gingrich admirably steps forward to politically chastise Clinton.

2000-2013: The worst thing in the history of the world happens: gay people start getting the legal right to marry each other. Civilization as we know it is over.

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