Dear Fans and Anonymous Sycophants,
Just to clarify this blog post I wrote, since I am prone to using lots of words in an attempt to win arguments by exhausting people: Some of you may know that a woman has been saying that I mishandled her abuse case ten years ago, by siding with her abuser and making her and her family look bad to the church and the court. This is a lie. I will prove it now by making her look as bad as possible. The reasons this woman is wicked (and thus cannot be trusted) are as follows:
- She once moved to Portland. There are gay people and transgender people in Portland.
- Her husband once appeared naked in artistic videos that he dispersed years ago to a very limited audience. I will prove how evil a person must be to submit these videos for public viewing by stealing the videos and linking to them for your perusal.
- Remember: Only the worst people on the planet ever create art featuring nudity. Da Vinci? Da Devil.
- This Daughter of Portlandia has done other bad things, which I can’t prove because she’s such a liar that she’s erased all traces of them.
- She left my church and is saying naughty things about my church.
- Thus she obviously does not worship the same god I do (aka me). This is the most damning thing of all.
The High Priest of The One True Church,
Expert in Justice,
Expert in Rhetoric,
Persecuted by A Cloud of People Who Disagree With His Amazing Words Only Because They Are Vile Sinners In Need The Forgiving Grace of His Church,
We at Biblical Manhood, Womanhood and Marriage regularly receive exclusive letters from prominent members of the Christian Patriarchy, and today was no exception. Josh Duggar sent us this letter to share with you, our readers, some of his staunchest fans. We hope it encourages you in the gospel as it did us:
I know I admitted I was a big hypocrite and that it was silly of me to promote family values while simultaneously hiding the fact that I was into incest, child molestation and trolling the internet for affair partners. My actual public statement was: “While espousing faith and family values, I have secretly over the last several years been viewing pornography on the internet and this became a secret addiction and I became unfaithful to my wife.”
I would just like to clarify this statement: it was the porn that made me unfaithful to my wife. Those dirty porn stars corrupted me, and it’s their fault I signed up at Ashley Madison and subsequently got caught by hackers.
So I’m asking America to take a stance and outlaw porn work, here and now. It’s just a tiny, slippery step from seeing a video of someone’s breasts to shelling out hundreds and hundreds of dollars to try to actually, physically cheat on your wife. Because if you accidentally masturbate to porn, and you realize you don’t actually go blind from it, you start questioning all kinds of things. Like: would a girl who hasn’t been homeschooled be better at sex than my wife? Or, would chicks blow me if they knew I was a celebrity?
You may notice from my public statement that I believe viewing porn is the most serious of my sins. Here’s why: incest (Genesis 20:10) and rape (Judges 21, Deut. 22) are part of Biblical marriage, and, really, in going on Ashley Madison, I was just trying to find a concubine to help my wife have lots of kids for me, just like Zilpah helped Leah (Genesis 30:9). However, porn is wrong because masturbation wastes sperm, which is obviously a grave sin in a Biblical marriage (Genesis 38:9). I see myself as a powerful son in the line of our family’s patriarchs, and I in turn must produce as many sons as possible so that we may take over the earth with our deeply-enshrined family values. So far my wife hasn’t been as fertile as my mom, and that’s a real bummer, because my Dad’s smug look when he counts my kids is starting to get on my nerves.
So, in summary, dear fans: I still believe in Biblical marriage and family values. I also believe that the easiest way to get you to keep being my fans is to make a big show of repenting every time I’m caught doing something that makes you feel icky. But, really, I’m going to keep doing them. Because the Bible tells me I can.
Yours in Christ,
We here at Biblical Marriage believe in only using the Bible to justify sexual ideas. So we were distressed when we discovered an extrabiblical interpretation of divorce gaining momentum online, using a website called Biblical Gender Roles that is clearly a spinoff of ours. Fortunately, we tracked down the ex-wife of the Fool who authors this site, and asked her to comment on the situation. While we cannot condone all of her words, we do see her point:
Honey, honey, honey. I see you’re at it again with the lazy logic and bad punctuation.
So you divorced me because I wouldn’t have sex with you, not even after you cut up my credit card right in front of me, not even after you tried convincing me that unless I blew you every night, it was a sin against God. The Book of Azhols, Chapter 1, Verse 7: “Wives, give unto thy husbands whatsoever they shalt demand, or The Lord Jehovah shalt smite thee with divorce. Because it is a grave sin not to act with thy husband like he wants the prostitutes to act, only for free, because he has already paid for the diapers thou puttest upon his children.”
I remember the conversation clearly. You said: “God wants you to have sex with me more.” I said: “Really? Is that what you’re calling your penis now?” And you got angry. You started huffing and puffing, and when I objected, you insisted you were “rebuking” me as a good husband was supposed to. I said, “if you want more sex, try pitching in on the chores. I’m too exhausted at night to do anything but sleep. Or, better yet, lose the man boobs. They sort of kill the mood for me. I’m not a lesbian.”
Your response, all fever-pitched: “I’m going to tell on you! I’m going to tell our pastor on you! It doesn’t matter how little I take care of myself or the kids. If you don’t do what I want, it means you’re the bad one!”
What happened next? You drug me to the front of the church and told everyone that I wasn’t fulfilling my wifely duties to pleasure your manhood. I turned the tables: I stood up in front of everyone and said, fine, I’ll have sex with you right now if you want. In fact, I insist. Right this second. Right now! I want you now! What’s wrong with you? Why aren’t you getting hard? And then I pointed to the baggy expanse of your pleated khakis, and I chanted, sinner! Sinner! Sinner! Sinner!
There was no going back after that. You were so outraged you had to file for divorce or you would have looked like a wimp.
At first the divorce was distressing. After all, you’d told me I shouldn’t work because I was raising your kids, so I had nothing to fall back on. But then I realized that I could get a job and pay for things myself, and since there was nobody to stay up late for, no perfectionistic micromanager breathing down my neck 24/7, no bone prodding me constantly while I tried to do the dishes and the laundry and the potty-training, I still slept more than I used to.
I also remarried and discovered what good sex is like. And let me tell you, baby, good sex is the pinnacle of existence. Do you know what it’s like to be seduced by a man who knows where a clitoris is? Who loves the taste of it in his mouth? Who is skilled with his hands and his tongue, who has the hard body and hard kiss of the laborer, the wry mind of the comedian, the ardor of the poet, the fluidity of the dancer? No. You do not know. You would never push yourself to be anything like that man, because you’re lazy. You’d rather accuse your wife of sinning because she’s not attracted to your whiny, cheeto-smelling missionary thrusting. Your hairy, sweaty grunting, the wobble of your teats above my face, oh God! The thought of it still makes my skin crawl. So let me spell it out for you: I don’t refuse sex. I refuse bad sex. I refuse anything that makes me feel like a prostitute paying her dues. But good sex? I say yes to good sex every time, no matter how tired I am. And let me enlighten you further: all women are the same way, unless they are damaged by men like you.
A poem by Alt Whitman
A patriarch waits for me — in my own bosom, for I contain all, nothing is lacking,
Yet all were lacking if my penis were lacking.
The penis contains all, bodies, souls,
Meanings, proofs, purities, delicacies, results, promulgations,
Songs, commands, health, pride, the maternal mystery, the
All hopes, benefactions, bestowals, all the passions, loves,
beauties, delights of the earth,
All the governments, judges, gods, follow’d persons of the
These are contain’d in the penis as parts of itself and justifications of itself.
Without shame the man I like knows and avows the
deliciousness of his sex,
With shame the woman I like knows and avows hers.
Now I will embrace these impassive women,
I will go stay with her who waits for me, and with those
women that are cool-blooded sufficient for me,
I see that they resign themselves and do not deny me,
I see that they are submissive to me; I will be the robust
husband of those women.
They are sufficiently less than I am,
Though they are tann’d in the face by shining suns and blowing winds,
Their flesh has the old divine suppleness and strength,
For housework and for bearing children.
They will never know how to row, wrestle, shoot, run, strike, retreat, advance, resist, defend themselves,
and thus I am well-possess’d of them.
I draw you close to me, you women,
I will not let you go, I would do you good.
It is I, you women, I make my way,
I am stern, acrid, large, undissuadable, but I love you,
I do not hurt you any more than is necessary for you,
I pour the stuff to start sons and daughters fit for these
States, I press with slow rude muscle,
I brace myself effectually, I listen to no entreaties,
I dare not withdraw till I deposit what has so long
accumulated within me.
Through you I drain the pent-up rivers of myself,
In you I wrap a thousand onward years,
On you I graft the grafts of the best-beloved of me and
We here at Biblical Manhood, Womanhood and Marriage have long admired Doug Phillips, former president and lavish, oft-costumed leader of Vision Forum Ministries, which, like us, promotes a biblical take on gender roles. So we were thrilled when Doug Phillips sent us a personal letter thanking us for our insightful post on why it’s not his fault that he is now an adulterer. Here is the letter:
Your adoration and support have not gone unnoticed. As a reward, I would like to extend this one-time business opportunity to you. I am planning my future comeback, and need a new platform from which to make money and gain followers. Will you use your website to promote my new product? It is called the ModestyRobot, and I have invented it for patriarchs to purchase for a variety of purposes.
The ModestyRobot comes in dark skin tones only, but is nonetheless pleasing to the eye. This is both a nod to our glorious antebellum Christian past and an educational tool. My hero, the prophet Robert Lewis Dabney, correctly identified the darker, more inferior races as being fit for servitude, as indeed this is “the righteous, the best, yea, the only tolerable relation” between blacks and whites. Since human slavery — a Biblical institution if ever there was one (Leviticus 25:44-46, Exodus 21:20-21) — is illegal in the current United States, we must now turn to non-human indentured servants. Let us do so in the spirit of tradition and our nation’s longstanding family values.
The ModestyRobot can be used in these ways to promote and foster a Biblical household:
1. Send the ModestyRobot for groceries, so your wife and/or daughter does not have to appear in public. Let them be chase, quiet keepers at home, not the prostitutes whose wayward feet lead them to the candy aisle so they can commit oral fornication with a forbidden calorie-dense Snickers. It is your duty, as a father and husband, to protect the women under your care from their own desires. The ModestyRobot will do your bidding exactly and, relying solely on high-watt electric batteries, will never gain an ounce.
2. Keep the ModestyRobot at home as an au pair, only one that will never tempt you to an over-abundance of inappropriate romance and affection.
3. It’s not really adultery if it’s with a machine, especially with a machine that is as legitimately yours as the concubines were to the patriarchs of old (Genesis 16, Genesis 30). If, however, your modern upbringing has made you squeamish, we have implemented a helpful Bible verse function, in which verses stream across the outer layer of the ModestyRobot. At the very worst, you can say you were taken with a strong carnal desire for the word of God, incarnate in the body of a ModestyRobot.
Please direct any and all interested parties in my direction.
Douglas Phillips, Esq.
Today, my husband came home from his manly outdoor pursuits, smelling of sweat and damp spandex. He found me where I belong, in the kitchen making him a nutritious, low-budget, and tasty dinner: split pea soup flavored with meat carved from the hindquarters of the deer he shot for us. He grunted his approval at my outfit, a curve-hugging sleeveless dress with violently red details. “Hey, you stud,” I said, hopping up on the counter and striking a pose. “What would you like for me to serve you right now? Are you hungry?”
Now, I only relate this scene in the spirit of Titus 2, whereby older women are instructed to tell younger women how to be good housewives. I am 45 years old, and have had seven children, and yet I keep myself fit by working with a jade egg while I do housework all day. Due to my fitness routine, I am hotter than most movie stars and probably better at being seductive than your average prostitute.
I goes without saying that this scene, and similar, more steamy ones, should NOT take place anywhere but safe in the confines of your own home. Elsewhere, you should conduct yourself with a meek and quiet spirit, adorning yourself in the knowledge that it is your fault if any man lusts after you due to your appearance.
The trick of it is, this documentary proves that men lust after most female things, even if they are dressed in tents. I like to err on the side of caution, though, so I wear a paper bag over my head in public if I absolutely must go out. Most men do not lust after paper bags. In fact, they are repulsed by the sight of one walking through the grocery store, if their expressions are any proof.
I show you this photo here because I think it will help illustrate something that has gone unchecked for far too long. This is an area where many women have strayed, thinking incorrectly that they were being keepers at home all the while: they post photos of themselves on their blogs, even creating long photo essays devoted to showing themselves dressed in “modest” attire. Do you not know that such activities are vain, tending to vaunt up the spirit of a woman and putting temptation in the paths of men worldwide? You do not know what will cause different men to stumble. The female face is a great tempter, and it must be cloaked, hidden from the prying eyes of the internet millions.
More, women must avoid the temptation to seek fame through blogging, even blogging about godly pursuits. The moment you put your name and your face onto a website, you are asking to be recognized. Women are NOT to seek such things if they are truly being meek, quiet keepers at home. This is why you will never see my name here. I have been convicted by the Holy Spirit that putting forth my name for recognition would be a grave sin against my husband and my God. Of course, once again, I must exhort younger women in the spirit of Titus 2, so I can blog — that is fine — so long as I do it without being a fame-whore, and all under the direction of my wonderful and bliss-making husband.
Friends, a mighty leader in the fight against immoral behavior has himself been taken in immoral behavior. His face, ever present before our eyes on the covers of the videos and books he sold, aglow with the glory of the gospel, is now fallen into the depths of sorrow and repentance. I am speaking, of course, of the noble Doug Phillips, former head of Vision Forum Ministries, from whom, I must admit, this website has drawn much inspiration.
Doug Phillips has done something with “a woman” whose name we do not know. It might be a lady of the night, or it might be the lady of a Knight, the adulterous Guinevere to some King Arthur of the Faith. However, we must not blame this lady yet because we do not know any of the facts. We only know the words of Doug Phillips, words that have so often spoken of the need to protect women from philandering men such as himself. Doug Phillips has correctly identified that women will do bad things with men unless other men make it impossible for that to happen. Therefore, this is not the fault of the woman, and it is not the fault of Doug Phillips. Clearly, it is the fault of whomever was supposed to have this woman under the umbrella of his protection. Some father or husband somewhere wasn’t being strict enough. Some father or husband didn’t force Doug Phillips to pass muster with cross-examinations and essays before verbally engaging with his wife or daughter. We know (because Vision Forum tells us) that if a man’s professed theology is in line, everything else will follow with good results. Thus, Doug Phillip’s theology couldn’t have been good enough or strong enough or correct enough. Again, this is not his fault. He is merely a side player in this game, as all men are when it comes to women that belong to other men.
Doug Phillips, in his humble and private repentance before the Lord, has assured us that he has taken up the mantle of fatherhood to his children. He will teach them by his excellent example what it means to be a great man of the faith. He will lead them and his wife, by word and deed, because it is his duty and his sacred calling. No one else is qualified to try to make decisions for his household, not even after he has proven himself to be sinful. All men are sinful! That is not the point. Women and children should obey them anyway. Otherwise, women and children might make bad decisions, like to have inappropriate romantic relationships.